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How Women Will Change The Game

Updated: Mar 14, 2019

Like so many women, I’ve been deeply affected by the emotional struggles of men I love/have loved throughout my life: a frailty in the realm of emotional literacy that I’ve experienced in numerous ways as a daughter, sister, wife and mother of males.

Since childhood, I’ve sensed a soul-deep pain in some of the men who have been profoundly influential in my life. Because of that, only after years of confusing and sometimes deeply painful experiences as a female did I come to recognise that much of it was related to the compromises I’d got into the habit of making; the ‘allowances’ (excuses!) for often seemingly unconsciously hurtful, inconsiderate, disrespectful, uncaring/unkind, critical, judgmental, rejecting, controlling, dominant and even outright abusive habitual behaviour of certain men that's seemed all too common; behaviour so 'normal' as to render protest a marker of 'too sensitive'; all a bit 'drama queen'.

Women, too many of us, whose self-respect has for so long been weakened by our profound compassion for the men we love!

Like most women, I was raised to unquestioningly obey the unspoken ‘rule’: everything revolves around men; that as girls/women we just have to suck it up! Historically, our lives were moulded to ‘fit’ around this strange misconception – or risk being outcast, dunked in the ducking stool, burned at the stake if we allowed thoughts to enter into our actual own minds, let alone allow out of our mouths such outlandish things as ‘independent / rational’ ideas!

This ‘perception’ was shaped by the people we first came into contact with: the rejections; dark looks, pouty chastising face, disapproving silences any time our ‘real’ might slip out: a straight-forward question; an intelligent, well considered enquiry; an obvious statement of fact as we saw it. Somewhere deep down, probably most of us had a sense that this whole concept was ridiculous, like an idea trumped up by some screwball James Bond villain.

And meanwhile, in our shut the f*** up compliance, the implied inferiority; victimhood; lack of consideration, general disrespectfulness, being taken advantage of and/or bullied, manipulated, side-lined, undermined, shut down by those closest to us; male privilege, automatic rights to dominate, judge, critique, own; attitudes of superiority, and/or abusive behaviour of men continued – ultimately damaging so very many of us. Damaging – also – the men who were conditioned to obey; just a different but equally exploitative set of ideals.

Don’t get me wrong here; like many of us, no doubt, I learned to find my happy amidst these conditions even as, at some level, I never really bought into any of it. However, these things are like a splinter in a girl/woman’s self-esteem; a constant repetitive reminder coming from so many sources – even from our female influences as we grew up – that men are somehow superior to women; that we must fear them, pussy-foot around them, pander to them, just accept the ‘inevitabilities’ of such a skew-whiff ideology; even expect them.

Ever mindful of the conditional nature of approval and acceptance, I resentfully towed the line – kicking back only when it became too big a compromise to continue colluding with this stupidity. Somehow, my body went along with it but my spirit sulked and baulked at the imposition of having such senseless and harmful ideas continue to hurt everything I held most dear. I spent my life in internal conflict – going along with what I was required to in order to maintain my attachments and not be wholly rejected but all the while, the compromise of living this way – suppressing my truth – was crucifying me inside!

I saw the patriarchal pattern pass through 4 generations of my family, I saw the damage to the people I love/d, to the family that meant everything to me, to the marriage that I was so devoted to, even to my own sons as this godawful patriarchy undermined the ‘real’, honest, truthful connections of my life and broke up some of my – our – most primary relationships. My heart just knew the solution – and it seemed so straight-forward to me, so sensible – yet I was blocked from bringing the truth into the open so many times; even shunned for wanting to – until I simply gave up.

And I gave up over and over and over again!

Instead, I had to watch, in agony, while my family imploded – first my birth family and then my own marriage – the only thing that could happen when talking ‘feelings’, truth, being ‘real’ with one another – our only chance to heal – was prevented by nature of the prison we all buy into: ‘we don’t do that!’.

For the longest time, I’d lived with the habit of ‘minimising’ the pain of my experiences as a woman. I have always struggled to shine the light of truth on the things that have been so damaging to me because I've been so averse to 'hurting' others whose casual disregard for my feelings sometimes blew my mind and I’ve suffered health-wise at times – a consequence I came to see of my body saying ‘No, this isn't ok!', even if my mouth wasn’t always able to!

I have no doubt that certain people have had difficulty with my questioning mind and emotional intelligence. I feel it’s been perceived as a threat – so I became skilled at suppressing my intellect, intuition and feelings in order to remain inoffensive; acceptable. But it was ultimately too high a price to pay.

There will be no more shutting myself down to protect others! Now I make my stand - against this terrible, pernicious Patriarchy. We must stop colluding with it just because we love and feel deep compassion for the hurt men who in turn hurt us .. and stop enabling. It's time to 'hand back' the responsibility for doing the work of breaking ties with this outdated, disastrous model for masculinity so that we can repair our own woundings.

The time is here for women to stop making allowances for unacceptable behaviour, however much it may hurt us to walk away from those men who refuse to be accountable for bad behaviour. We MUST turn this around; speak up and step up.

Women, reclaiming self-respect; united and strong because of our profound compassion, no longer disempowered by it.

Though many men may not yet realise it, 'e-MAN-cipation' will free us all! It will clear the way to the reclaiming of masculine wholeness too. How great it will be to witness the men we love living in connection with their hearts; their joy; their creativity and inner peace – rather than the emotional castration of Patriarchy.

The time is now to turn to the only leverage women have left:

Tough Love!

Want to learn the language that will change the game in your world?

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Powerful Personal Boundaries:

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Everything Changed: 10 Keys To Reclaim Your Power In Relationships & Build Rock Solid Self-Esteem

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